It’s been little over two years since I entered Motherhood and what a weird, wonderful, testing, and magical two years it has been since becoming a mother to my beautiful two year daughter Nova-Rose. I remember being told to treasure every moment because it goes by fast and to a degree I was already aware to this wisdom because before my daughter there were my two nephews to whom I was and still am very close to. I still remember holding my first born nephew like it was yesterday and now he is just a couple of years away from the dreaded teenage years and so I am truly aware of how quickly time goes by. But nevertheless, I must always be aware of this, as it always helps in keeping me present when spending my time with Nova-Rose
When I was pregnant with Nova-Rose I was delighted and especially when we found out she was healthy and that she was a she! I was so certain i was going to be pregnant with a boy that I was shocked when we found out we would be welcoming a little girl. Though she was planned and I was ready to become a mummy, I still felt a little uncertain and if there is one thing I’ve learnt, it is that you’ll never fully be ready and so if you’re putting off starting a family, I must convey that I really don’t feel there is ever a perfect time. I don’t think one can ever be fully prepared, whether that’s mentally, emotionally, physically or financially! I often think that to a degree we are just playing the roll adults, winging it with nothing but intuition and life lessons that we’ve gathered based on our perceptions from our own individual experiences.
In contrast to my previous statement though, I do feel that for some people it can pay to wait until they feel that they are as comfortable as one can be with the idea of becoming a parent. For me I was 29 when I had Nova-Rose and though I know in my heart that I would have loved her at any age, I do honestly feel that it was the right time and age for me. I needed those years before having her to find myself a little more, to become comfortable and confident in who I am, to recognise the inner strength I possess and to heal as many as the emotional turmoils that I had endured throughout my life, as so not to carry them with me incase I may end up subconsciously inflicting them upon my child.
Through my nephews I had also come to learn that if and when I become a mother, I knew that I would want to devote everything that I am to my child. My time and energy was going to be fully theirs, as childhood goes by so quickly and I wanted to be extremely present in his or her upbringing and so before making the decision to try for a baby, I had to make sure that this sat comfortably with me, as i am someone who enjoys alone time.
Before I had Nova-Rose, change was a hard thing for me, though I was working through it and still am! When I first found out I was pregnant, even though I was undeniably delighted, I kept it to myself for a few days, I had to process it before I could share the news with my partner. And when it came to buying things for our expected bundle of joy, the idea of the all changes that having a baby would bring did give me some anxiety and so much so that I was incredibly delayed when it came to preparing for her arrival! It was only weeks before she was born that we finally bought her crib. Now, when I think about it, it seems so silly but it was a process that was mine to navigate through.
I think since having Nova-Rose she has really helped me on my journey in learning how to go with the flow, accepting change and letting go of the idea of how I think it should be and becoming more content with what is. I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m struggling to convey it efficiently. When I was expecting Nova, I was aware that I should not allow myself in getting carried away with expectations. We can all fantasise about how we think our baby will develop and the characteristics they will have but rarely is it how you think it will be. I have three children in my life and yes, there are undoubtedly similarities but they are equally all so different and uniquely themselves. We aren’t here as parents to interfere with who they are, we are here to love them unconditionally, keep them safe, guide them and help give them the self esteem and confidence to embrace who they are and what lights them up.
We are not here to mould them into who we think they should be. Its a learning a process and we can’t always get it right but as long as we continue to do the best we can with the best of what we have and give our little ones the space to grow at their own pace and do our best to practice patience with them and ourselves, then I believe as a parent we are on the right track.
Motherhood is a journey right from the moment one discovers that they are pregnant and no one gives you a map for that life long journey but that’s not to suggest that it can’t be navigated. We might take wrong turns now and then but I believe if we take the time to rest, listen to our intuition and trust ourselves then we can get back on track. It’s good to take what we’ve learnt from our parents and our own upbringing but it’s also good to unlearn too and start a fresh because our children aren’t us because we are products based on our own experiences, our own biased and prejudiced views and whilst it’s important to share our wisdom it is just as imperative to keep an open mind to seeing and interpreting things the way our children may choose to.
Becoming a mother has helped me learn so much about myself, I’ve realised the strengths I didn’t know I possessed and it’s shown me weaknesses that I now know I need need to heal. There are times where I question myself to the point of distraction but deep down, I know, that more then anything, my daughter just needs my love and my time and everything else will come together in due course.
I guess today I just wanted to share a few of thoughts that I haven’t really taken the time share before now. Maybe you’ll relate, maybe you’ll just skip this post, I don’t mind either way. Being a mum is so much of who I am now and I feel it’s important to share this part of me from time to time.
Sending you love and light,