For years I felt I didn’t have a voice or maybe not so much that I didn’t have a voice but more like a voice that no one would be interested in hearing. And maybe nobody does care about what I have to say and that’s fine too. But over the years I’ve really been on an inwards journey and I know that sounds so corny and so overused but it’s the only way to summarise how I feel and part of that “journey” is believing that my voice like all of our voices count.
When you grow up with an emotionally and verbally abusive parent, who is always out put to you down or take the opportunity to create an argument just because they’re a narcissist and so they need and crave to hear the sound of their own voice, one starts to learn to shy away from verbalising any kind of thought, feeling or truth that they want to give voice to. I was often made to feel like what I was feeling or had to say was unimportant and God forbid that those thoughts or feelings were in the slightest bit critical of my father or his opinions because if they were then I would get shut down, mocked or worse be immersed into a situation of verbally aggressive confrontation that always had the potential to go further.
It wasn’t just this alone that contributed to me feeling like my voice didn’t matter. I belive that because I had to leave school at the age of eleven due to being diognosed with M.E (Epstein Barr) and no college or university degree as well not ever being able to work a “proper job” I felt as though my thoughts and feelings had no value and no one would ever be interested in speaking to me or value what I say. I constantly second guessed myself and would overthink every thought I had and would feel paralysed with shyness and insecurity on the inside, worried that anything I might want to say would either upset the person I’m talking to and result in confrontation and conflict or they would just think that what I had to say was stupid.
It’s sad that I spent so much of my time feeling like this and especially now I know differently and see things with clarity. Despite all of the above, I don’t hold anger towards my Father and I don’t feel a victim to becoming unwell and missing out on a formal education. This may have contributed to years of feeling insecure but it has helped me to be able to look inwardly and learn and grow from my circumstances in a way that I’m proud of.
Though I still second guess myself and feel frightened at times to express myself, my feelings, my views and opinions, I’m working on it and I’m getting there. There’s no doubt that I’m feeling happier and more free to be who I am and live my truth because of this inward work. This year I’ve opened up about the illness I have. I have spokeen more openly about my spirituality and how I work with crystals. This isn’t just on the blog but I’m working on this in person also. Its very important for me to be as authentic as I can and to speak my truth without worrying about what others might think or how they might judge and to belive that I have what it needs to take leadership of my life and trust that what I say matters even if that what I say only matters to me at least I’m giving a voice to it. I say this important to me because I see it as part of my inward healing.
I really want to take this opportunity to tell whoever is reading this that you should do the same too. Step into your personal power of light and belive that your voice matters as much as the next person. Don’t put yourself down or think that just because you’re not super “educated” or because you don’t feel that you have a job that is “impressive” that your words don’t have value because that’s crap and is just our ego talking. Everyone has something to give and share with the world even if you belive you don’t, trust me when I say, you do! You will be inspiring someone with your thoughts and ideas in ways you don’t even realise but most importantly you’ll be being true to you and that’s magic right there. We live in a world of conformity, don’t give into that if you feel different. We are not here to conform but instead to stand out in our individual glory whatever that is and means to you. Shine bright, do your thing, know when to speak up and be fearless when doing so.
Sending you love, light and strength today and every day,
(old) Gucci Sunglasses
See By Chloe Blouse
(old) Urban Outfitters Corduroy Skirt