Friends to me, are like my family. I’ve never had nor wanted a big friend group, I realised and accepted that wasn’t for me a long time ago. I’m definitely a quality over quantity type person. Some folk need to be able to say that they have loads of friends, as some kinda of self validation and then there are those who genuinely do like to have a lot of friends. I’ve found that a lot of people don’t really get me and I understand that. I quite often find that when i’m talking to people that I seem to think differently a lot of the time and I guess because i’ve suffered with an illness most of my life that has meant I have spent a great deal of my time very differently to most and that I am sure reflects in my personality. I have had a lot of time to work on myself and self reflection is something I like to try and keep in check regularly. I am very aware of who I am, faults and all and what I stand for morally, spiritually and emotionally, though with that said, like all of us I am still learning and growing all the time.
This in turn has lead me to be at times very observant of others and quite quickly I am able to pick up on people’s bullshit (excuse the language but I gotta call it like it is) and ego’s quite quickly which can also make it challenging to connect with others. But more and more I am finding that i’m okay with all of this. In my early teenage years I felt very misplaced and craved for some kind of social acceptance and often found myself trying too hard with people out of wanting to fit in. I was unable to have the vision that I was never going to fit in with them because we were all too different. Eventually I found my friend group/family and i’m grateful and appreciative of those wonderful times we had together.
The thing is though because I see friends like family, I can end up holding on to all the good of the times gone by much longer then it deserves. I think it can also be easy to overlook the mistreatment that can occur in friendship because i’m just too close emotionally and I guess because I often choose to see good qualities over the bad ones. But sometimes when time and space is put between friendship, it can light up specific areas that you hadn’t realised were there. I’m not someone who gives in order to receive, neither is my immediate family, I like to think we are generous people, especially with our time and I wouldn’t change that for a second. The only thing is, it can be hard when you find yourself in the situation where I/we as a family are constantly being the givers in the friendship, it’s good and okay to be on the receiving end of that too. We are all guilty of being selfish, as like I believe, we need to be selfish sometimes otherwise you end up neglecting yourself and that’s not good for the soul but I don’t believe it’s healthy to sustain a relationship in where the giving has only been one way.
Though it’s hard to see an end to a friendship, I try and look at it positively. I try and focus on my appreciation for the good times and focus on releasing the old and embracing the new.
Take care lovelies,
Black Eyewear Sun glasses
(old) French Connection Coat
(old) Marques Almeida Denim Jacket
(old) Weekend MaxMara Trousers