Today’s writing part of the post is on the deeper side of things and I understand if you want to skip it and instead keep to the style side. But if you do decide to read it then I thank you for taking the time to get to know me a little better.
Something that I have always suffered with is feeling guilty! Ever since I was a little girl I suffered with the feeling of guilt. If I did something wrong I would be consumed by it. Or quite often I suffer with feeling like whatever I do, it’s never quite enough and in turn end up feeling guilty about it. I’m not trying to victimise myself, no one forces me to feel guilty, though that’s not to suggest that some aren’t aware to the power of making someone feel guilty to manipulate and get their own way on something because quite honestly there are definitely those who do that and in my case they have been people close to me, who should know better. But maybe they aren’t even fully aware of the effects that this can have on myself or in fact anyone. I can’t even sit here and pretend like I haven’t used this tactic on people, I think we are all probably guilty of using this in the hopes we will get what we want by doing so.
The problem is, that I have spent years of feeling guilty even when no-one has prompted those feelings. It can be mentally paralysing and can make one feel trapped and unworthy. It’s horrid and if anyone reading this has suffered or still suffers with the same feeling, you’ll know what i’m talking about. But after years of accepting that i’m just always going to feel guilty and that it’s probably just my make up, I decided to make a change and I no longer wanted to feel so constrained by these feelings. The thing is that there must have been something or someone early on in my life that triggered these guilty feelings and at the hands of someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive, I know who it was that started this but like I said I wanted to change that course.
We are all in charge of our own minds and I believe we can choose how we react to certain things. By default me might respond a certain way but I like to believe we can train our minds to change that. It’s only in the last year or so, that I have recognised that I absolutely do not need to carry round these unnecessary feelings of guilt with me, they are fear based and ego based and they will only hold me back from moving forward. I have had years and years and years of feeling guilty so I accept that it’s not going to happen just like that and even now as I sit here, I am feeling bad that i’m not helping my sister with her boys or sat with my mum or playing with my dog but i’m aware that those feelings are down to my ego being a dick basically and I have no reason to feel bad. So slowly but surly, I trust myself to get there.
I would love to hear your thoughts if you have any on this subject. Hope wasn’t too deep for you.
(old) Topshop Camel Coat
Topshop Metallica T-Shirt
RAEY Silk Camisole
(old) Dr Denim Jeans
Topshop Metallic Boots